I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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