i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
