last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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