Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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