I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
