Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
