Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
