Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
