i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize