I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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