I want to make a zoo with you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
