Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
