saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
