How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
