Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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