I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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