He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
