Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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