I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she told me i tasted like america
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
