i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
