How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
