I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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