my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
