I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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