My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
