He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
