those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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