her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
