she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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