I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
