I will die if light touches me.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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