Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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