Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
