When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
