the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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