bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize