moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just sent this text using only my big toe
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
