new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
