Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
