I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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