Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
