don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
