and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
im holly from the hills drunk
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
