I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
