we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize