hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
