I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
