My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
