I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize