So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
