and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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