Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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