My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize