Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
