Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
