My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize