I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just threw up on my dentist
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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