How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Randomize
