omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
