I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
