my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
