In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
