His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
