Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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