My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
